Simon Cowell: Shit for Ears (Charlie Brooker)

Furiously disillusioned prose wizard Charlie Brooker, writing on the X-Factor chart backlash:

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"While I'm happy for Rage Against the Machine to be enjoying the sales and publicity, I can't help thinking we could've organised a slightly better protest ourselves. Chances are the X Factor will try to kick back extra hard next year – perhaps by actually releasing a song with a melody in it – so it's best to start planning the resistance now.

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The temptation might be to pour a lot of time and effort into creating a catchy anti-X Factor anthem, but the smartest counter-move would be to release something short, cheap and throwaway that isn't even a proper song at all. I propose a track called Simon Cowell: Shit for Ears, which consists of a couple of eight-year-olds droning the phrase "Simon Cowell, shit for ears" four times in a row in the most deliberately tuneless manner possible.

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It should last only about 15 seconds or so. Quick enough to register; brief enough not to outstay its welcome.
Then we release it online at the lowest price possible. What's the bare minimum you can charge and still be eligible for a chart position? It could be as little as 2p. Because the track is just recorded on to a cheap mic, and released without the assistance of any record label, 100% of the profits go to charity."
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Read the rest of Charlie's brilliant, constructive rant by clicking HERE.

I'll be first in the queue (does iTunes have queues?) to buy 'Shit for Ears' if it's released next December...

"Habitual line-stepper"

White Denim - I Can Tell mp3 / Gig Review

I saw these guys play an hour long set at Cargo in Shoreditch last night. Having listened to this band for the past few months, and seen the media coverage they've been getting of late, I was surprised they were playing such a small show. But I wasn't complaining. The intimate nature of the venue meant that I could stand near enough to the stage to see close-up how good White Denim are as musicians.

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From the moment they came on, the energy was sky-high and never dropped. The guitars were loud and the sweat was flying. Plus, they looked like they were having the time of their life playing their music, the drummer was swigging spirits straight from the bottle, and every song broke down into a kind of wild jam session. But through it all, there was a sense that they knew exactly which direction the chaos would go, or if they didn't, they caught up with each other pretty quickly. At the end, they said thanks for coming, waved and walked off stage leaving the crowd calling for an encore that didn't come. To be fair, they had worked hard enough by then!

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If you are unfamiliar with White Denim, download the track below, then go here and buy their album for less than £8. You'll like it, I promise.

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I Can Tell mp3

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Previously: White Denim - Let's Talk About It (Video)

First 5 Minutes of The Dark Knight (video)

Go immediately to Kanye's blog to watch the first 5 minutes of the new Batman film, The Dark Knight. It's a heist scene, and it bodes very well for the rest of the flick.

Click HERE to be taken there.

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UPDATE: Bad news. I hope you saw it while you could because Warner Brothers shut that video down with a swiftness rarely seen. If it reappears, of course I'll provide the link.

Quantum of Solace - Teaser Trailer

The first official trailer for Bond 22, "Quantum of Solace".

The poster above is superb. It hinted at the possibility of some impressive cinematography, and the trailer partially backs that up. Daniel Craig looks 'fat' as usual, and the chap from the excellent 'The Diving Bell & The Butterfly' gets to do some acting while walking around and talking and stuff. Click below.

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Teaser Trailer - Bond 22

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Good Lord: Adriana Lima

The best human in the world (apart from my wife). Yes, of course she's from Brasil.

More pics over at 'Ye's.

Croatia 2 Germany 1

Love it.

Dan Witz - Ugly New Buildings

I like this kind of thing, from Brooklyn artist Dan Witz.

Dan Says: "In the past few years much of my neighborhood in Brooklyn has been torn down to make way for luxury housing. For better or worse it's a whole new street-scape out here. Personally, I can't say I like the new modern architecture very much, it's sterile and alienating and so arrogantly disconnected with its surroundings sometimes it seems like giant alien space ships have landed. But let's face it, bemoaning gentrification in New York City is futile, it's like complaining about the noise or other unstoppable forces of urban nature. So for this summer's piece I tried to make the best of it. These are photo-based, heavily re-painted stickers, mounted on plastic and glued to the walls of the Ugly New Buildings. In May I put up around 30 and about half are still there."

Go here to see Dan's new 'Ugly New Buildings' collection.

Michael from The Wire: Baltimore to Beverley Hills

SMH at this... Michael from The Wire has moved up in the world. No longer the streets of Baltimore for this one-time 'hopper' turned Stanfield-crew Lieutenant. No, young 'un has moved to Los Angeles to be the new Carlton Banks in 'Beverly Hills 90210' (version 2.0).

Do we really need a new version of that show? I suppose the original was a precurser to the real-life fuckery of the 'Paris Lohan' set, so it's only natural that it would return now (in a world that has become the Sodom and Gomorrah of celebrity worship).

I'd rather have had a sixth season of The Wire... you feel me?

The Fall (a film by Tarsem Singh) - Trailer

The new film from Tarsem (the man behind the visually stunning, but narratively baron J.Lo flick 'The Cell') looks better than anything I've seen since his last picture. I say 'new', it was completed in 2006 and has had sporadic releases (usually at Film Festivals), but I believe it is to get a full theatrical release in art house cinemas across the world, thanks to a "Spike Jonze and David Fincher present..." tagline.

It looks breathtaking, but whether it works as a film and not just as a work of visual art remains to be seen.

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The Fall - Trailer

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Leak: iPhone 2 images

Looks like I'll be taking a hammer to my house brick-sized iPhone pretty soon. Steve Jobs is ready to take another 300 quid from me if this story is to be believed (click the story for a bunch of images!).

Apple Inc have spotted these photo's before, and demanded that they are taken down immediately before their lawyers get involved.

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Promising a slimmer phone with a longer battery life (as well as 'Video Chat', which sounds a little bit 'Back To The Future 2' to me), the iPhone 2 is on it's way, and those in the know in Silicon Valley are expecting an announcement in the next week or so.

Start saving...

Fake Plastic Boosh

According to the NME... "Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich is in line to produce the forthcoming album by 'The Mighty Boosh' comedy duo. Noel Fielding, one half of the comedy duo along with Julian Barratt, told XFM that Godrich is a contender to take on production duties for the record, currently in its planning stages."

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This album will no doubt be 'coming at you like a flannel' in the coming year.

Black Keys - I Got Mine mp3

My favourite band by a long way at the moment... The Black Keys from Akron, Ohio. Purveyors of dirty, fuzzy, dusty, soulful, at times psychedelic rock & roll.

Here is a track from the new album, produced by the worlds busiest producer Danger Mouse, from their new album Attack & Release. It will literally rip your face off. Turn it up to 11, "it's one louder".

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I Got Mine mp3

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Five Franklin Place, NYC

I want to live here. Designed by Dutch architect Ben van Berkel, work on this building has just begun in the TriBeCa district of downtown Manhattan. The penthouse apartment may be out of my price range, what with the credit crunch and all. Click here for more photos of this dump.

Wu Tang Office

This is moderately humourous... Some characters re-enact some famous skits from Wu Tang Clan's seminal debut album, comedically transfering the action from the housing Projects of Staten Island, to the project meetings of Manhattan Island (see what I did there?). Click these:

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Wu Tang Office Video 1

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Wu Tang Office Video 2

Burn After Reading - Trailer

The Coen Brothers will follow up 'No Country For Old Men' with 'Burn After Reading' which, as you can no doubt tell from Bradley's haircut, is a comedy... It's got a very strong cast (in addition to Bradley Pitts; that ugly Clooney bloke, Tilda Swinton, Malkovich-Malkovich-Malkovich and Coen's muse Frances McDormand all feature). Swinton says that it is a 'monster caper movie' about the CIA, idiotic Gym employees and Internet Dating. Bonkers.

I'm just upset there will be no shotguns with silencers. Click here for trailer.

Urban Paris + GTA IV = Justice's 'Stress' Video

This is class, however these kids need a proper clip 'round the ear. Click here for the video.

Li Wie - Smoke and Mirrors

Chinese performance artist and photographer Li Wie specialises in creating an "illusionary reality" in his photography (often involving an element of danger). He has set these photo's up (hit cancel on the language pack question) by using wires, mirrors and scaffolding... Photoshop is not involved. Clever boy.

The Wire Season 5 Trailer

Click here for the Season 5 trailer. Starting in July on the FX tv channel. And if you aren't familiar with The Wire, the best thing on TV since T and Paulie put their feet up, then I suggest you go here. Twice.

Charlie Brooker - A 'wing-trembler'

Today's Charlie Brooker column from G2... this week, he's talking about Bill Oddie and animal sex. Of course.